With apologies in advance to Jeff Foxworthy and a humble admission of a lack of literal technique, we will use his
“if you… you might be a redneck'” comedic device.
(Allow me (the clark) to go first.)
If you immediately stop surfing the channels because you come upon a show that uses only black and white documentary photos and film…you might be a roger
If you love Christmas lawn decorations and cannot imagine having too many lights… you might be a scott
If you find a flier stuck under the windshield wiper of your car and you take the time to read it… you might be a clark.
When asked a question and you start to answer with “in the beginning…” you might be a clark.
Someone gets your name wrong and you answer to it without correction… you might be a clark.
As a child building model cars, the extra parts were put back in the box along with the re-folded instructions for future safekeeping…you might be a roger.
You think that Slacker was the greatest movie made in the 90s…you might be a clark
You think that Borat was one of the funniest movies of the year…you might be a scott
You think that the 107 episode, Directors cut, 15 DVD un-abashed edition of the compilation (with Writers notes (including what he had for breakfast) and voice-over reading of the credits by someone who knew someone who was a re-enactor who actually got hurt at an event) of all Ken Burns films, PBS episodes and commercials that last longer than most readings of the Iliad is the greatest film of all time…you might be a roger
If you have any inclination to wear hats for a fashion statement (for male rogers only) or a ‘fanny pack’ (either male or female rogers), or for that matter any clothing designed specifically for riding a bicycle (branded or un-branded)…you might be a roger.
If you happen to be at a golf tournament and feel that it is expected of the members of the gallery to yell anything (including but not limited to “get in the hole”)…you might be a scott.
If you are contemplating a project of any sort; a new deck or a term paper, writing a resume or planting a garden and you
…you look forward to making the list of things you need to buy/gather/acquire first more than anything else…you might be a clark
…you must know what your friends on the ‘do it yourself’ shows have done, that is what you want…you might be a roger
…CONTEMPLATE? PLAN? I JUST FINISHED IT! FUCK YOU ITS DONE NO THIS IS FINE THE WAY IT IS… you might be a scott
Animals (specifically dogs) also have these characteristics:
If you are in charge of the house and decide that no reasonable guest comes after dark, you may be a scott (named Ola) if you try to chase them out of the house.
If your daily routine consists of going to the left of the car during the morning walk, and you miss the rabbit that is sitting to the right of the car, you may be a roger named Bella.