the Wakefield Doctrine

the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers

the Wakefield Doctrine (…A Box of Fingers… ( …again)

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 From the Roger:

     Seeing as how the Clark has recently gone all” operatic” on your asses, and has inadvertently left that seldom-visited closet door ajar….

     Cut to black-and-white scene: 1961- the Wilson School in Rumford, RI has taken the only field trip in its history to hear the RI Philharmonic play stuff from Bizet’s ” Carmen”. At least one kid ( out of probable 200 or so) is vastly impressed.

     Cut to 2007, in color: the Roger, riding in traffic on Rt.2, listening to recently downloaded cool stuff on car CD , makes derisive faces at guy in next lane with horrifically loud system that is shaking the welds of his trunk apart, at an estimated 40% THD. What’s he listening to? Who cares? It’s re-arranging the frontal lobes of his brain, but sadly keeps falling back into the same relative position, hence the same result. SOS. And me? I was TRYING to listen to the LA Guitar Quartet doing stuff from ” Carmen”. Yeah, that’s right, MF. Opera done on classical guitars.

     ( Camera slowly pans from baboon in other car, to baboon in my car ( yes I know) , to passenger seat …zooms in on shoebox lined with aluminum foil, a Confederate D-guard Bowie knife ( look it up), a chaotic assortment of band-aids ( not a one with the Flinstones on it), two bath towels, a fifth of Tullamore Dew, and the ever-present roll of duct tape. Weird, annoying music from the shower scene in ” Pschyo” plays fervently and fades as I yet again pull into the Post Office parking lot. 

     This happens every few years or so.  I listen to a little too much classical guitar ( especially Spanish), and, in a fit of Van-Gogh-ish self-loathing, am driven to chop the fingers off my hand ( I alternate left and right) and mail them to Paco de Lucia in Andalucia, Spain. Because I occasionally channel the ghost of Andres Segovia, and he tells me it would be for the best. Because if I either can’ t or won’t use the damn things the way God intended, well…send them to someone who actually knows how to play. The trouble is, Paco keeps sending them back. Says he appreciates the thought, but it’s very weird, and I’m scaring the family. And that he plays just fine with what God gave him ( the sarcastic bastard). Plus, he always sends money to have them re-attached ( no miracle surgery, this is where the band-aids, duct tape, and Tullamore Dew come in to play). So, I try again, and after a while I begin to think that maybe I’m not so bad. Maybe I’ve got a few chops after all, those freaking crazy Spanish guys should just stay on their side of the pond and maybe get a Les Paul and a modeling amp that at least has a decent Marshall sample in it. Damned rose-chewin’- high-heel wearin’- bullfight-watchin’ MFs. Yeah. That’s right. Damn straight, too.

     Cut to Rt.2,  two years later; LAGQ is in the CD player again, because some punk on some back-water blog site had to go spouting off about opera… but damn, that sounds good…wait…Andres? Is that you? … no, no, man, I didn’t really mean any of that…what? No, I don’t know any ” Paco”…What?? You say “Esteban” wants them?…1% commission from QVC? Well… damn it, hold on, where did I put the %)&%* duct tape….

Roger’s Recommendations for the Operatically Inclined;

LA Guitar Quartet- Sequidilla, Aragonaise ( from” Carmen”) Youtube clips from 92nd Street Y; Overture from Rossini’s ” Barber of Seville”: Guitalion Quartet- ” Habanera” from Carmen; Soldier’s March ( play this stuff fairly loud- the dynamics are awesome). And , no, it will not break the welds in the trunk of your car.


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